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Welcome to the Shiny Minds show with Dr. Shiny. Today, we are going to talk about how to set boundaries without making others feel rejected. Any people pleasers in the house or recovering people pleasers? If this is you, then this episode is going to help you a lot.
I am a recovering people pleaser myself because of my childhood conditioning. When I realized that I needed to actually lie and hide my truth and cover up what I truly believe to get the love from my dad, I ended up learning that as a coping mechanism throughout the years until I realized that this was not something that I wanted to own. When I set with myself, when I coached myself on this behavior, I realized that I didn't want to own it.
Is that you? If that's you, let's talk because I am going to share some powerful ways that you can set your own boundaries and make yourself feel valued as you also are kind to others and not making them feel rejected by you. Because I know this is what you are thinking about. This is what you're focusing on.
Because when you got rejected, when you felt rejected by that person in your environment when you were young, that's when you learned this behavior as a coping mechanism just like I did. When you realize that when you speak your truth, I'm getting goosebumps by the way all over me. When you speak your truth, it was not accepted.
You were actually punished by speaking your truth and you learned to hide it. Does that make sense? No. Does that make sense? Does that resonate? If that resonates, let's start with the first tool that I would love to share with you to set your boundaries without making others feel rejected.
Number one is get to know yourself. Literally sit with yourself and ask yourself, what are my top values? Top three values. Is that love? Is that respect? Do I value love over respect? If yes, why? If no, why? Or do I value self-sovereignty, self-assurance as my top value? Is it more important than self-love or respect for others or kindness or integrity? You got to have this inner work.
You got to have this clarity because those values make you who you are and then they define you and then they actually create the boundaries that we are going to talk about. Without knowing what your boundaries are, how are you ever going to set the boundaries? That's why that's the first step. The first tool is your self-knowledge, self-mastery, self-truth.
What is your truth? Who are you? Why do you care about self-love? Where is that coming from? What is the source of it? If you go back to your childhood, if you trace it back and then connect all the dots, all your experiences and then blend them all together and then come to the solution, not solution, cut it, and come to the conclusion of love is my top value, here is why, then you can then define what love means to you and what love looks like for you and what is not okay for you to give and receive love. What does it mean for you to receive love if people are doing their best to give you the love but if you don't feel it because there are ways that you naturally receive love that resonate with you? This is coming from the world of science, physics, and quantum physics, the law of resonance. You need to have the resonance.
If there's no resonance, you're just not going to click with that energy and that is not going to make you feel loved and people are going to be confused. Well, I did my best to make you happy. I cooked you all day.
I actually prepared your laundries and did everything at the house. What else do you want? Well, that's not the person's love language. It didn't resonate with them and that's why you're getting confused.
So, I see this everywhere. We don't know what our values are. We don't know who we are, what we care about and because we don't know, we don't know how to communicate that and then we end up having difficulty in our relationships, not understanding why people don't understand us.
Well, because we didn't understand us to begin with, to actually teach who we are, what we care about, how we want to be loved. That's why we need to understand who we are. We need to remember who we are.
We need to clarify our values, our beliefs, our expectations, our needs from others. The less we need from others, the less we expect from others, the best. If you have no expectations, if you're able to meet your own needs, you are a self-sovereign individual.
You are going to be delightful, delicious and your boundaries are going to reflect that and then you're going to sound something like, listen, I'm very self-sufficient. I give and receive love when there is acknowledgement, when there is openness in exploring how we can connect deeply with others. I shine in conversations where we talk about how we can become our best version of ourselves, not talking about details.
If you talk about details and how you had a meeting with your boss and then what he said or she said and how it just created you all these problems and all the details, that would not make me feel cared and make me feel growing in our relationship. I would love us to co-create this conscious loving relationship where we focus on becoming our best selves and sharing our self-discoveries with each other. That is where I am going to shine.
That's literally a conversation you can have after you figure yourself out. You need to figure yourself out. If not, you're just going to leave people in a place where they need to make assumptions.
If you're not giving them clear instructions about who you are, what you care about, how you want to be loved, what conversations are going to resonate with you, guess what? They're just going to do themselves. They're going to make assumptions and then they're just going to go with the flow and that's okay. And that's why that's the number one step.
Get to know yourself. Master yourself. After that, number two, let me hold here.
Okay. Number two, get curious about others. Now that you understand who you are, what you value, what you care about, what conversations you want to get involved with, then you need to honor the same for others.
What do they care about? What do they value? What do they expect in conversations, in their relationships? How do they want to relate? Ask them. Request. I would love to know your top three values and how they show up in relationships, how they would look like in our friendship, in our conversations.
Request it. Demand it. That way, you are informed.
Just like you need to be informed about who you are, you also need to be informed about who they are. That way, if they are not clear about their boundaries with your questions prompting them to go within, they're going to get even more clear. And now they're going to be able to give you, here are my top three values.
And then actually, if you don't share your opinions with me, I appreciate that. Because whenever you share opinions, I realize that you come from a place of seeing the problem. I thrive when I focus on solutions.
When you share your opinions with me, when you only focus on the problems, then I realize that I am going into a place of hiding my truth, hiding what I want to share with you. Because if I share what I am going through, then if you share your opinion about what I'm going through by only focusing on the problems that you see in what I share, if you never celebrate what I am doing right, if you never point some other solutions for me, then it is actually draining my energy. It is not serving me.
It is not helping me become a better version of myself. That's why I actually would love to talk about solutions, not problems. Perhaps they're going to tell you this.
If you never ask, you will never receive. Ask and you shall receive. And this is such a big problem that I see in the world.
It's not even a joke. It's at a very serious level right now. Because majority of the people are so distracted by their everyday mundane activities and details that don't matter, that they lose the focus of the conversation.
They waste the time, the energy talking about nothing at all that is important for them or for you or for the world. That's why you are going to be curious about the other people. That's why you are going to invite them to go deep within themselves.
That's why you are going to take the charge when you want to become somebody who operates with clear boundaries, respecting yourself and respecting others. It's going to require you to have these conversations. We need to start talking like this in our world.
We need to have conversations that are clear about each other's boundaries. And that's why coaching becomes super helpful. That's why I'm super passionate about what I do.
Because what I do is an extension of me, extension of who I am. When I ask you a coaching question, I actually help you go within yourself. And then you discover something about yourself.
When you are around me, if I'm having a conversation with you, you are absolutely walk away with at least one and perhaps several nourishing moments of truth about yourself. You're absolutely going to walk away with self-discovery. This is who I am.
Because I know my top three values. I know my boundaries. I know that I don't expect anybody to do anything for me.
I expect people to be mindful about their thoughts, languages, behaviors and the energy that they bring to the world. That is my expectation. And I know it is a lot to expect already.
It's super high level. And that is what makes me the doctor of enlightenment. Because enlightenment comes with the alignment.
I start with alignment. So if you ask me, what are your top values? I'm going to tell you my number one value is going to be my self-love. And my self-love looks like oneness to me.
Looks like alignment. I need to feel aligned with what I say, what I do, how I show up, who I become and how I serve the world. That is alignment for me.
That is enlightenment for me. That is oneness for me. For me, my boundaries are going to be determined by the energy that I feel about the people around me.
I feel and resonate with the energy because we are all made up of energy. Of course, I am going to feel it. We are energy more than matter.
Matter is just like 4% in the universe. How can we get disrupted and just be blinded by the fact that we are matter? We are in the human outfit that looks like matter, that looks super tangible, and it just blinds us. I go beyond that.
I studied what it means to be a human being wearing a human outfit and yet being this deep soul, light, love at the core, the sphere. So I go very deep. So that's why when you go deep within yourself, when you go deep with others, conversations change.
Conversations shift. Frequencies arise. And that's the world that I want to live.
And that's what I invite you to when you are setting your boundaries. I know I am going very... Let me say that again, Kim. Cut that.
I know I am going beyond the topic of setting boundaries I just want you to go deep when thinking about your boundaries. You're not only a vessel, a human outfit. You are a soul inside this outfit.
So your boundaries are not going to be tangible. Your boundaries are going to be energetic boundaries. You need to get to know yourself and others in their energetic boundaries, in their energetic alignment.
If there is an energetic misalignment, you're going to feel it in your body. You know those moments, right? You feel like there's something achy in my stomach. Oh, I feel it in my throat.
Oh, my head, like my third eye, something happens. You are going to have that sensory input from the universe, like ones and zeros. Those are the information flowing into the universe constantly.
And this is what my invitation about when you go deep and get curious about others, about their boundaries. So let's talk about number three now, the third tool that I am going to share with you to set boundaries without making others feel rejected. The third step, the third tool that I am going to share with you is your language.
And that's why self-knowledge and curiosity is the prerequisite of this language. If you know yourself, you have the self-language in the pocket. And if you also have the curiosity to grab the information about others, you can now put them together and then use the language that I am passionate about from neuro-linguistic programming that I learned years ago.
And I teach in my coaching education programs at the Academy of Neuroscience Technology. You use the language that sounds super respectful, super kind, totally respecting people with who they are, what they choose, giving them the autonomy, giving them the freedom. And then at the same time, not betraying yourself.
And at the same time, not rejecting them. We have language tools. And I'm going to give you one concrete example.
Here is a boundary I set with my own mother. Very, very clear language, extremely direct. Sometimes you got to be super direct with people, especially in your family.
I told my mom when we were having a conversation. For those of you, if you don't know, my mom is my student. After the age of 60, she came to my training programs and she literally transformed herself.
She went from, don't tell me anything about my traditions. All traditions are to be followed. Do not question them.
This was her. Okay. And then now today, talk to my mom.
She's like, oh, you know, we all have our own blueprint that we choose when we come to this life. And traditions are actually super conditioned. We learn from each other.
They are to be questioned. They are to be redefined. And she's laughing at herself, her old self.
So obviously, helping my mom unlearn all that and to reprogram her mindset was my biggest success story. And I always learned a lot from that as I was holding the space and helping my mom to recreate herself. The biggest improvement she needed to make was about her listening.
She didn't know how to listen to others. She really didn't. She didn't have that skill.
She was a school teacher. She spoke and she shared information. She taught all her life.
And listening was not her forte, let's put it that way. And when I realized that, I told my mom, listen, my mom, listen, we need to practice your active listening skills. Here's why it is important for me.
When we are on the phone together, if you are trying to watch TV and trying to talk to others, people right next to you, or if you don't have the quiet environment to connect with me, then I don't feel that you respect me. If we are on the phone, then that needs to be our primary focus, our precious time that we are co-creating together, whatever we are sharing. I want to know what you experienced today and how it changed you, how it gave you a new idea about doing things and contributing to the world, contributing to the kids you're teaching now.
I want to share what I experienced and how it made me become a different person. And that requires commitment, respect, and clarity. We don't need TV when I call you.
We don't need a very loud environment. We don't need anybody around you. If you have anybody around you, tell me, I'll call you later.
If you need to watch something on TV or she doesn't even watch TV anymore. She has only two shows that she loves. If you need to watch your TV, which is a survivor, she loves watching the survivor with the human psychology behind everything.
If that's a time, that's okay. We can talk later, but please don't try to watch survivor and talk to me at the same time because I know your focus goes there and you're not 100% with me and that doesn't help me. That doesn't make me feel heard, seen, appreciated, or respected.
This boundary I had to repeat to my mom perhaps thousands of times. I kid you not. She finally got it.
Yes, she finally got it. I'm giving this example because I know we all have moms and dads and siblings and friends and spouses and colleagues and everybody that we are communicating with. If we are not clear about how we want to communicate, then we cannot expect others to behave that way.
That's why self-knowledge. I needed to know how I wanted to communicate with my mom. I self-knew myself.
To curiosity, I was also very curious about how my mom operated. I observed her and then I saw her and then I realized that she was unable to do multitasking and I never enjoyed multitasking anyways. I am all about presence.
When you're doing something, do just that one thing. I was curious about her and then I also know that she loves connecting. She wants to share.
She loves sharing her experiences. That is also her value, but she was not honoring her own value. She was just being distracted in the moment.
I needed to interrupt that pattern several times. Sometimes super direct. Sometimes I needed to be very, very direct and clear and firm and sharp.
I had moments where I was like, okay, I'm hanging up. I'll call you later. This was me working on my boundaries.
Coming from the people-pleasing behavior pattern, I'm going to need to say patterns. Behavior patterns, I needed to interrupt my own patterns. I only needed to do this because I wanted to also no, cut that.
I wanted to do this because I knew this was not serving me, especially as the creator of NeuroShine technology, which I created for the technology. Cut that. Which I created as the technology for truth.
I mean, think about it. Not being able to share my truth when I was a kid was so deeply painful for me that I needed to figure it out throughout my life, that I needed a structure, a curriculum where it was safe and it was okay for me to share my truth. And that's why I created NeuroShine technology.
That's why I combined 10 different disciplines in it. I needed the neuroscience in it, hard science in it. I needed quantum physics in it, metaphysics in it, cosmology, leadership, communication strategies, emotional intelligence, coaching skills.
I needed everything in it. I needed to prove myself that it is okay and it's safe for me to share my truth. So I hope that resonates with you, my dear shiny minds.
I hope when you are hearing these words, they are lending somewhere deep within yourself, deep within your soul. Because you know, speaking your truth is the highest level of freedom. That's the highest level of self-expression, creative self-expression of who you really are.
If you cannot even speak your truth, who are you being? What are you doing on this planet earth? Right? So that is my point for you to set your boundaries without making others feel rejected and without making yourself self-betrayed. Without making others feel rejected and without betraying yourself. So there you have it.
Hope you loved this. Please share it with somebody who needs to hear this. We are literally in, cut that, we are in 2025.
Cut that part again. We are in a time that is accelerating truth and aligning with our truth. We need to speak our truth.
That's why I encourage you to subscribe to my channel, like this video, if it resonated with you, if it helps you. Share it with the world so that we can co-create a conscious world together. We can become a part of this new world, this new paradigm where it is okay for us to speak our truth and for us to invite others to speak their truth.
Thank you so much for watching and oh, hold on.
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