How to Make Others Feel Safe Around YouOct 13, 2022
Today, I want to talk to you about safety and how you as a human being can cultivate safety and trust in others; and of course, why that is important.
Listen! The whole reason I created Neuro-Shine Technology™ as the technology for truth is this: at the core of each and every single one of us as a human being, we want to be safe, seen, heard and appreciated by others. This is the fundamental truth of being a human being and that’s why, I want you to focus on this very basic principle when you are watching this video.
When I am sharing 4 ideas for you to make others feel safe around you, please remember, safety comes first. Let me remind you, this is your brain, half brain and in your emotional brain, in your limbic system, there is a part called the "amygdala" and amygdala is responsible for your survival. Not only your physical survival but also for your emotional survival.
The survival of your opinions, values, beliefs, goals, perspectives, ideas, you get the idea. So, because of this amygdala and because of how we are hard-wired as a human being, safety comes first. If you are not safe, you are not going to stay in that environment. Am I right? That’s exactly why as a human being you need to, have to integrate language patterns, thinking patterns and behavior patterns that are going to make yourself and others feel safe around you.
1. STOP DISMISSING PEOPLE'S PERSPECTIVES
You may not even realize you are doing this. But especially if you have this avoidant attachment style from your childhood, from the way you are raised in your family or upbringing, environment, whoever your caregivers were. You might be unconsciously dismissing people. When people tell you, this is how I feel. Maybe you are not aware, but maybe you're telling them - No, no, no, Don't feel that way. It's unnecessary, that's stupid to feel that way. Stop doing that.
People just like you have the right to feel the emotion, need or desire that they feel, and they have the right to do so like humanity 101. Nevertheless, in your language, if you are knowingly or unknowingly dismissing their perspective, ideas, opinions, and beliefs, then you might be making them feel unsafe around you.
Why is that? Again, I'm going back to Mr. Amygdala. Amygdala is going to do whatever it takes for any human being to survive and survival comes with safety that is the center that is going to do everything in its power to create safety because the amygdala scans the environment 6 times a second, looking for danger and threats. And if your language, behavior, if anything that you say, or do, even non-verbal creates this feeling of the unsafe or dangerous or attacking type of feeling in the other person, that is not happening.
So that's why number one, you have to stop dismissing people's perspectives, disagreeing with everything that they say. and trying to be right or trying to be better or smarter or whatever, whatever, like superiority. Stop it. That is the first thing you can do.
2. STOP CRITICIZING THEIR STYLE
What do I mean by their style? Maybe their style is different from yours. Maybe they are a little bit more emotional and by the way, you can take the personality test, I highly recommend it. I also use it in the leadership class that I teach at UCLA.
I ask all my students that take that free test, it's a 16personalities.com and then you can understand your style. If you are more emotional in the way you deal with life, that is normal. And if you are not an emotional type, maybe you're the thinking type, or you are the more logical type. Then you need to stop criticizing if somebody is being a little bit more emotional than you are because that's who they are and you're who you are, right?
There is no point criticizing people to tell them what to do and to try to change them because it's not in your control. People are only going to change if they want to. And in my Neuro-Shine technology, I have this one simple formula change = awareness x willingness.
So, awareness can be there, but if they are not willing to change they will not change, which means you are unable to change them. So that's why there is no point in you to criticize, judge them, and directly put it to their face. There are more elegant, and more intelligent ways to communicate if you want to make something more obvious for them. But that is not criticizing. So, you have to stop it. If you want to create safety.
3. STOP TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO OR WHAT TO SAY
If people come then tell you, hey, you gotta stop doing this and start doing that. Like you do like leave me alone, you know, it's up to me to decide, right? You have your own freedom, you know who you are, you know what you want, and you know what you don't want.
You do not want to be ruled or controlled or directed by others. unless you choose them to do so. If somebody is unwilling to come and tells you what to do, you wouldn't like that.
The same thing applies to other people. So, you gotta stop telling them what to do and what not to do because as you keep talking to them in that way, guess what? You are triggering their amygdala and as you trigger their amygdala, they are going to feel in danger and they're going to do whatever it takes not to hear you but to defend themselves to be right. Because that's what Amygdala does when it gets triggered, it is either fight or flight!
So, they're either going to avoid you. They're not going to tell you anything or they're going to fight with you. That is a survival mechanism. And, you do not want to become this violent factor for anybody. You do not want to attack anyone's identity, anyone's needs, beliefs, and opinions and perspectives. You do not want to tell them what to do.
4. START ACCEPTING THEM AS WHO THEY ARE
If you want to feel safe around people, that's what you gotta give to them. Acceptance, and aligning with who they are is not easy but it starts with you.
You gotta accept yourself as who you are. You got to stop dismissing your truth, judging yourself, being critical, and being hard on yourself. And you got to start forgiving yourself, accepting your ugly parts, even though it's not easy.
That's where it all begins my friend. I know it's not easy, but it is possible, and it is all worth it. That's why it's called human growth. And that's why it's called personal development, professional development, deepening relationships, and cultivating trust and safety in yourself and others.
Made with love ❤️ for a better world, with more love ❤️ and #ShinyMinds.
by Shiny Burcu Unsal
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